Pushing my anxiety boundaries

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” – Maya Angelou

So this is a long one, grab a drink and snack then get comfy!

I first consciously began pushing my anxiety boundaries when I was looking at where to apply for university. 

I had the idea and intention of moving away to university, not too far from home but what I felt was far enough (from Birmingham to Worcester). Keep in mind I have never lived outside of my family home nor had I travelled alone either. 

I began buying and packing what I thought I needed for university and felt absolutely fine, not an anxious thought anywhere near me. But as the time got closer and I was accepted into university I felt the anxiety flooding in and I did not want to go, in fact I cried the entire time I was packing the car with my things. 

Setting off I felt better myself. The nerves were kind of settled and I was looking forward to getting there finding out where I was staying and unpacking and beginning life at university. However, once I found out where I was and I began putting the stuff into my room with the help of the staff and my parents, the lock on my door to the room that I was staying in broke, it was just simply a cheaply

made lock and it broke. I then began to feel very uncomfortable and didn't really want my parents to leave and go all the way back to Birmingham where I'll be on my own. I mean I did have a friend staying in a room a couple of doors down. We were doing the same course but it still didn't feel I had anyone around me and I  still didn't feel ok or settled. I went with my friend down to the shop after everything I've been packed away I thought, Oh yeah I'm settling in let's get going. But when it got to the night time I was essentially you could say petrified, terrified, sitting in my room. Wondering what on earth was going on behind the door. 

First off I'm not really anyone that consumes alcohol in a large amount. I don't really drink and everybody else in that apartment that I was in did and you could hear them all drinking and getting louder and noisier and I was never around that kind of behaviour or that kind of thing so that had me feeling uneasy and as a result I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe properly. I was like oh my god what's going to happen? Like you know we're thinking all the worst things that have happened could happen. What if somebody came with the door this something other the door lock wasn't fully fixed either. 

So it's like oh my god. 

I think I phoned mum and dad about six times throughout the night saying look I don't like it. I want to come home. I'd forgot my pillows as well so that wasn't really helpful like I was sleeping on a bundled

up dressing gown and towel. So lovely. Not long after 5.00am I remember putting the boxes back together that my stuff came in and I'm slowly and quietly packing my room up. I made the decision right then that I could not stay there. I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel comfortable and I packed myself up a half past five in the morning and deferred for a year.

I was thinking I'd give myself a year to fully decide what I wanted to do and if I  wanted to go back or not. And after a couple of weeks it quickly became clear that I didn't want to go back. So I withdrew, had a year out and then I decided to try again with pushing my boundaries the next September. 

But this time I wanted to go a bit further away, but somewhere I could travel to like commute everyday from home. So that's what I went to the university of Wolverhampton. Going there and meeting new people, made new friends, and friends who turned out to not to be very nice friends. I had more responsibilities and you could somewhat argue that going to Wolverhampton everyday was like travelling on my own because I was travelling there and back on my own. A distance that I hadn't done before and I became, in myself, more independent. I had some friends that drove and we went out for dinner and things like that and then that went south but that's a completely different story. I then met my three really really good friends, one whom has very kindly decided she wants to come along with me on this blog journey. Hi Imaan! Then after the three years of my BA I did my masters and again with my
three amazing friends.

 I met some other amazing people on the way and I think I felt like I was becoming more of an adult, more independent. Especially you know with the good old friend student finance. And yeah I had more independence that way in both in my personal life and academic life. 

So that way I kind of push boundaries with my anxiety that way like slowly tiny bit by tiny bit which was fantastic. It was amazing to do it that way and then I think it was in second second year I went with a friend to Liverpool. That was my first trip away which was amazing and then I think the last it was it last year. Last year we went back with my three three best friend ever and we had those amazing time and like Liverpool is like what I'm my favourite places to go. That's where I'm at right now. There are teaching bits that helped pushed my anxiety with regards to presenting in front of a class. Things like that being the  teacher in the room and things like that which helped to push my anxiety. But then with some of the feedback that I got and how I was treating some of my placements that kind of like snapped those bands back in place, but then I pushed them again. 

So I'm quite confident in speaking out now which is good. But I still get self-conscious sometimes like what if I don't know this was or I don't know that but I'm sure everybody gets I'm sure. I have even imagined the worse like all my clothes end up falling off completely and some can get ridiculous as I know that will never happen. 

Now here I am with a blog all about self-care, mental health and anxiety. Anxiety really is a personal element for me since having it in year four and now being 26. I've had it for essentially all my life,  as far as I can remember, and starting to live with it and control it not have it control me or influence me as much as it used to. It's definitely something that I'm proud of and I want to be able to help somebody else and try through all the different ways that we are expressing.

So there you have it my lovelies a little insight from how I started to push my anxiety boundaries and how difficult it is. It's not as easy as some people will say. 

They say oh anxiety everybody's got that nowadays but I think it will have to be taken with a pinch of salt and anxiety is a real issue. We have to appreciate that and sometimes for no reason it'll always come flooding back and feel like you won't be able to leave the house you might feel like you can't breathe or you feel like you're back to square one. But then you know those days are in temporary because you've worked so hard to push the boundaries and you've worked so hard to expand what you're comfortable with. So keep going. Keep pushing and we will get there eventually.

Kisses

Katie x x.