"No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anyone but oneself"
-Virginia Woolf
There is no right way to begin this story and that's okay. I have told my story before but I feel now is the right time to re-share and update my story, hopefully it will help someone else out there either with anxiety or help someone understand anxiety a little more.
I have suffered with anxiety since I was bullied in primary school by my teacher no less. She terrified every class she had and mine was no exception. My anxiety got to bad I would make myself sick to avoid going to school or I would pace the floor while rubbing my hands together. One time I sat in the head teachers Office too scared to go to class because I didn't understand the homework and was petrified of being told him. Almost every morning before school I was sick and refused to leave my parents side, keep in mind I was 8-9 years old. It continued throughout primary school especially when it came to SATs in year 6.
When I got to secondary school I was sick before every test and grew conscious of every thing I did. My anxiety around not understanding a topic resulted in throwing myself head first into revision, I had every wall in my bedroom plastered with notes. I would write stacks of revision cards, make numerous PowerPoints all in order to not forget anything. Before every exam I would be going through my notes and trying desperately to not be sick. My anxiety made me want to impress everyone, but as I got comfortable at secondary school I stuck within my friendship group and enjoyed school.
When I got to my A levels I had improved with pacing and stopped being fully consumed by anxiety although I was still being sick before my exams, even the mock exams.
When I got A level results and found I would be moving away for university I was honestly excited but as the impending move got closer I became more and more anxious and scared, I couldn't even make
myself go to an open day as I was too scared. The day came and as I was packing the car all you could see was me crying, I cried bringing things from the house to the car and cried going into the house to get more stuff. Once I got to university I lasted not even 24hrs and was regressing into my anxiety again. I packed by room up at 5.30am and demanded to go home. Safe to say I took the year off, changed subjects and picked a university closer to home. I forced myself to an open day. The second I stepped through the door of the University of Wolverhampton I felt like it was the place I was meant to be. Going to university was the Best thing for my anxiety, I met great friends and the most fantastic people. I was opened to new experiences both inside and outside of university. This was when I really took control of my anxiety (which will be a separate post) and came into myself. I completed both an undergraduate and Masters degree in English and grew more confident within myself. I then moved on to do a PGCE and Birmingham City University again a place that had great support for myself when there was family bereavement on Christmas day and when I felt teaching was no longer right for me. I had gained control of my anxiety that while on placement I was able to pick up a lesson at the drop of a that and present a confident front. I also got to grips with accepting that I won't know everything and that it is okay to have down days.
When I got A level results and found I would be moving away for university I was honestly excited but as the impending move got closer I became more and more anxious and scared, I couldn't even make
More recently I have taken a big step in my own life and have moved away from teaching and becoming a teacher, I found it was something I had to do as opposed to want to do. I am now focusing on building this blog and the brand of Pampas and Pearls taking what I know and have experienced of anxiety and mental health and what I am learning about self-care and hoping to make some difference to at least one person.
Looking after yourself if the most important thing and I hope sharing my story has helped at least one person who reads my posts.
Kisses
Katie xx
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